[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
The old gods are rising again.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here