Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Wise advice
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]