i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My friend is an excellent librarian.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.