MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Who does Amazon think I am?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.