I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake