When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park