I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home