*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Spring of Deception
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
There are usually two types of merchants.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.