Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
this is literally a CIA plant
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God