Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping