People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.