Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
japanese corn
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.