I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.