WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.