Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.