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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.