WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.