1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.