I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
All excellent questions
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
a badder mouse
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Gods work.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth