Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
just witnessed a drug deal
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.