Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
meanwhile over on facebook
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Am I having a stroke?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I camp so other people don’t have to.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.