Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
japanese corn
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day