While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Where’s my employee discount too?
*Inspirational Tweets*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Thinking about Jeff
A huge thanks to the person that did this
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
are they though??
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”