Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A little too much information.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?