I know this now 😂
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
multitasking lunch
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
How to draw a duck
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
happy mother’s day❤️
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
you’re so productive for your wage
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.