In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.