Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?