Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping