The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
You Might Also Like
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude