[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.