flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.