“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
In case you needed to hear it:
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I can’t be the only one 😂
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.