My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Basketball
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.