There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!