Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
😂😂
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time