the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
January has been Januweary
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
estão todos miauvindo?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls