[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm