No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.