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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”