TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.