Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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They did not think through this water fountain
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.