Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
ACED my prostate exam!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.