I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I just ran a .003048K
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.