the pigeons are already plenty salty
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her