Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.