100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*