Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
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When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.