No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Blew my mind.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
How to wake up a Beagle
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around