The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You Might Also Like
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts