I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
wow he looks just like him
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.